Whodunnit?

Following the recent scandal revolving around our beloved and mysterious Leaky Head, this reporter took it upon herself to find out the truth behind the ferocious vandalism. Faced with the daunting task of approaching hair-caressing banana-wielding potential murderers, she decided to take a rather more cautious approach: she chose to become the Insider, close to one person from each vertical from whom she could receive the information required. This article unearths the rather surprising number of motives behind poor old Leaky’s attempted murder.

In an enlightening conversation with Geriatrix, a most lovable and rather fatherly old chap known for his ability to bust a move at his legendary parties, it was revealed that Leaky had promised a couple of members from the Infra team a large storyline in Unmaadleaks, a promise he did not live up to. In a fantastic display of insensitivity, Leaky informed them that they were simply not very exciting or newsworthy, and maybe another time.

Next to be approached was Soporifix. A popular member of the Spons team due to his Mexican roots, his motives were made clear when Leaky rejected his newly shaved legs during a certain pre-Unmaad event, claiming they were not waxed and hence did not qualify. This was the last straw for a man who had spent his day running around in heels after chickens, transgenders, and auto drivers.

It was with trepidation that Justforkix was approached, due to this reporter’s past experience with his hair fetish and occasional transformations into a Peeping Tom. Nonetheless, a quest is a quest, and the brave lady dove straight into the danger zone. Needless to say, Justforkix was on his best behaviour, apparently after the recent bashing he received from Extravaganza. He revealed that at a recent events meeting, Leaky made everyone uncomfortable with his (slightly racist) ‘green’ theories on people from a certain part of the country. (The content is too explicit for this article, although the reader is encouraged to do a little probing him/herself, it really is a good story!). The theories were so scandalising that they even drew tears from the ordinarily stone-faced Cacofonix. This was such a groundbreaking occurrence that it drew Cacofonix enough unwanted attention to make him want to kill ol’ Leaks.

So there you have it folks. Part One of the mission is complete: we have our suspects and their motive to kill. Or do we? Watch out for the next few editions of Unmaadleaks to find out!