FlashMob!!!

With less than a week to go, the Unmaad publicity engine has been running at full steam, creating a palpable buzz around our scenic little village. The height of excitement was the city’s (possibly the city’s) very first ‘Flashmob’, which brought all villagers, whether involved in the organising committee or not, together for a fantastic display of village spirit in a packed city mall. Here are some highlights for our readers to enjoy, a behind-the-scenes glimpse of the good, the bad, and the god-awful.

·         Impedimenta, leader of the program, was known to scare quite a few of the mobbers into turning up and learning the right steps. One lady in particular, Bacteria (a rather imposing woman herself, quite a lot taller and rumoured to be very ‘close’ to two dashing village men), was sent shivering back to her room after Impedimenta had a word with her about her ‘skills’ (or lack thereof).

·         Chanticleerix, a blundering Infra dude with a mop of hair in dire need of a good snip, was apparently so bad that he was ordered not to take part in the first song by Impedimenta, who then proceeded to tell more than three quarters of the dancers that they should stay as invisible as possible. 

·         The lovable events member Delayedclimax, back from his trip to another city and having not attended a single practice session, decided he was good enough to learn on the job and proceeded to do exactly as he pleased, choreography or no choreography.

·         There were a few cases of near injury, with Geriatrix shaking a leg and almost breaking a hip, and with Polysyllabix almost breaking another limb for the 3^rd time in a year.

All in all, the event was quite a success, despite the fact that the national television channel which was recording it did not mention once the only reason it was carried out! But hey, there’s no such thing as bad publicity!

Whodunnit?

Following the recent scandal revolving around our beloved and mysterious Leaky Head, this reporter took it upon herself to find out the truth behind the ferocious vandalism. Faced with the daunting task of approaching hair-caressing banana-wielding potential murderers, she decided to take a rather more cautious approach: she chose to become the Insider, close to one person from each vertical from whom she could receive the information required. This article unearths the rather surprising number of motives behind poor old Leaky’s attempted murder.

In an enlightening conversation with Geriatrix, a most lovable and rather fatherly old chap known for his ability to bust a move at his legendary parties, it was revealed that Leaky had promised a couple of members from the Infra team a large storyline in Unmaadleaks, a promise he did not live up to. In a fantastic display of insensitivity, Leaky informed them that they were simply not very exciting or newsworthy, and maybe another time.

Next to be approached was Soporifix. A popular member of the Spons team due to his Mexican roots, his motives were made clear when Leaky rejected his newly shaved legs during a certain pre-Unmaad event, claiming they were not waxed and hence did not qualify. This was the last straw for a man who had spent his day running around in heels after chickens, transgenders, and auto drivers.

It was with trepidation that Justforkix was approached, due to this reporter’s past experience with his hair fetish and occasional transformations into a Peeping Tom. Nonetheless, a quest is a quest, and the brave lady dove straight into the danger zone. Needless to say, Justforkix was on his best behaviour, apparently after the recent bashing he received from Extravaganza. He revealed that at a recent events meeting, Leaky made everyone uncomfortable with his (slightly racist) ‘green’ theories on people from a certain part of the country. (The content is too explicit for this article, although the reader is encouraged to do a little probing him/herself, it really is a good story!). The theories were so scandalising that they even drew tears from the ordinarily stone-faced Cacofonix. This was such a groundbreaking occurrence that it drew Cacofonix enough unwanted attention to make him want to kill ol’ Leaks.

So there you have it folks. Part One of the mission is complete: we have our suspects and their motive to kill. Or do we? Watch out for the next few editions of Unmaadleaks to find out!

Aaaah!!!! Censorship. FAIL max

Dear UnmaadLeaks followers,

It is with the utmost sorrow that I have to state here that the very cause we believed in, the very reason for our existence has been treacherously challenged. In response to our post titled “Of Extravagant disappointments” published on 3^rd January this year, the authoritarian establishment went berserk, and took matters into their own hands. 

They approached the servers that host Unmaadleaks and demanded that the parts they deemed offensive be removed. Pursuant to their thinly veiled threats, the host networks republished the content with extremely diluted (not “on the rocks”) content. It is learnt that Tragicomix and Getafix were forced to commit this act by as yet unknown parties, who, in the author’s opinion, are committed Romans. 

Additionally, three death threats were delivered to the author by hand within the space of three days. They are reproduced below:

Jan 3 2011

SUB : Weasel’s murder

Dear Weasel,

You will die soon.

Yours sincerely,

Mr. X

Jan 4 2011

SUB: Means of Weasel’s death

Dear Weasel,

In continuation with my letter dated Jan 3 this year, I would like to add that you will be killed with a banana.

Yours sincerely,

Mr. X

Jan 6 2011

SUB: Clarification of exact procedure re Weasel’s murder

Dear Weasel,

I received your request dated Jan 5 asking for clarification regarding how exactly I propose to kill you using a banana. I shall suffocate you by stuffing it down your throat, you idiot. And as to the second part of your query, no, I didn’t say ‘my’ banana; I said “a” banana.

Yours sincerely,

Mr. X

I strongly protest against this cruel suppression of freedom of speech

Yours leakfully,

Leaky Head

Of extravagant disappointments

One of our younger members, Justforkix, has been put in charge of organizing the much awaited Business School of Rock event, along with the beautiful lady Extravaganza. For years now, BSOR has been the mecca for amateur rock bands across Bangalore and beyond.

This year at Unmaad 2011, BSOR ( http://www.facebook.com/notes.php#!/pages/B-School-of-Rock-2011/177196835640874?v=wall) takes on a whole new life with the German band “Fire on Dawson” headlining the event.

Now, a few words about Justforkix and Extravaganza. Due to an unfortunate combination of youth and extreme naivety, Justforkix has been at the receiving end of many a friendly comment regarding his orientation and intention.

Meanwhile, Extravaganza brings to the village a whiff of sophistication and naivety that closely matches Justforkix’s. Extremely adept at cozying up to people’s moms, she is quite an asset to the judge calling department simply because she can get even famous celebrities to come down for Unmaad just by going behind their backs to convince their moms. Quite recently, she’s rumored to have adopted a 16 year old kid just for kicks.

Together, they make a good team, but as so often happens in such partnerships, one partner gets disappointed when the other one fails to deliver consistently.

So it happened that during a recently conducted events meeting where hard hitting discussions regarding conducting a flash mob dance at a local mall were being held, a tiny voice was heard from amongst the luscious curls of the young lady’s hair, “Err, Tragicomix, if we are going to the trouble of conducting a flash mob dance at the mall, can we also use that opportunity to publicize Unmaad 2011?”

Considering that the entire meeting was about Unmaad publicity anyway, this seemed like a bit of a dampener as far as insightful suggestions went. In fact, the frustrated Tragicomix went so far as to point out that Justforkix seemed to have made a habit out of making useless suggestions that start out with some promise and then fizzle out.

It was then that the frustrated Extravaganza turned to Justforkix and hissed, “And it’s not just your suggestions that fizzle out.”

God save Justforkix.


The Carrot, the Stick and the Spreadsheet

With D-day now just a month away, our village heads can been spotted walking around with an extra alertness, their eyes furtively taking in every passer-by – Tragicomix looking out for potential artists, experts or really just anyone who may be attractive enough to throw onto a judging panel; Mono and Polysyllabix cornering those whom they can scare into giving us money; and Fullyautomatix sizing up all who may be fit to lift a microphone or ten. Only Getafix walks with the same calm shuffle he is known for, leading tempers to rise in resentment against his well-oiled publicity machine. Which leads us to ask, how efficient really are these men in charge? 

When confronted with this question, all of Mono and Poly’s workers immediately responded positively, commenting upon everything from superlative leadership skills to charisma to physique. Of course, this reporter did not miss their widening eyes, their quivering lips, the strangely rehearsed manner of their answers, and the quick snap to attention at the mention of their masters’ names. 

Tragicomix’s helpers, whom he had affectionately nursed into a close-knit family, were aching due to the separation from their ‘Daddy’. Dispersed across the country, they were bonded by a painfully thought out to-do list that lay forgotten, a single techni-coloured & partly immobile spread sheet that gave many-a-headache, and the promise of a huge party upon reunion that had been carefully noted.  Under the influence of love and bribery, the underlings worked hard (or so they claim) to please Tragicomix’s exponentially increasing number of emails. 

Fullyautomatix’s cronies were unable to comment on their leader, who had them downing protein shakes and pumping iron at the gym, and were hence too busy for an interview. When cautiously approached for a sound byte while overseeing the boot camp, he turned, red-eyed and whistle-in-mouth, and threatened to set his not-so-mini-ons on the unassuming reporter. 

Seemingly immune to the sleep deprivation and receding hairlines that surrounds him walks Getafix. What is the secret to his head full of hair, we wanted to know? And the secret- a 'planned well in advance' holiday  but not before delegating all his responsibilities very efficiently to the  Publi team. His bleary eyed, sleep deprived, receding “hair-lined” subordinates readily concur.

Of course, there’s no leaving out the boss of all bosses, the man of the festival, the Spreadsheet wielder… you get the point. Vitalstatistix keeps the vertical heads on their toes or, in this new digital age, with their cell phones perpetually on mute to avoid his ever increasing calls. There’s no question that he is the driving force behind Unmaad, and hats off to him for still finding time to shoot his precious hoops! 

So there we have it. Our leaders guide us with a poisonous combination of love, fear, efficiency, corruption and bribery that makes Unmaad run at the end of the day and the villagers, nervous workaholics.